How to avoid conflicts with your own child

We often communicate with children in a commanding tone: "Go to bed! Brush your teeth! Sit up straight!" We lecture them, criticize them, threaten them: "If you don't take the toys, you won't go outside!" Our behavior is so predictable that children often know what we will tell them, and they don't listen, or rather, "don't hear" us. In fact, we are waging a daily fight with our own daughters and sons, in which there are no winners!

Is it possible to improve relationships with children? Is it possible not to get angry, not to quarrel? Of course. You just need to follow only three rules: love them (which we do), respect them (which we do very rarely) and create conditions for cooperation (which we don't know how to do). In other words, you need to listen to your child's thoughts and control your reaction to his behavior. In this

The "one word rule"

If you want your child to "hear" you, do not express everything you think about his behavior. Use the "one word rule" that would characterize the situation. You may have to repeat it several times, but it is better than shouting and threatening. For example, before going to bed, the baby must put away his toys. If you say: "How many times have I told you that the toys must be taken away! You are so big, and you still can't remember this," the child will stop perceiving what was said after the first phrase. Try to say one word instead of an angry tirade (but not in a commanding tone): "Toys!" It will become a kind of collection password.

The results of disobedience

Remember how many times during the day you have to tell your son or daughter: "Do math, or you'll get a D", "Go have breakfast, or the food will get cold", "If you don't wash your socks - you'll go to the dirty ones"? Do your instructions work? Isn't it better to give your child several opportunities to see what disobedience leads to and what its consequences are. If Sasha doesn't do math, then tomorrow in class he will really get a D. If Svetlana doesn't come to the table on time - she will eat cold soup. If Katya doesn't wash her socks - she will wear dirty ones in the morning.

This important phrase "as soon as"

There are a few words that you should try not to use: "if", "why", "you never..."

These words "if", as a rule, begin with threats: "If you don't clean your shoes, I will never buy you new ones." The child immediately has a corresponding negative reaction, saying, well, it's not necessary.

"Why" is a common beginning of accusation. After the phrase: "Why don't you put things in their place?" - Your baby will most likely start to defend himself, not to pick up.

The phrase "you never" is perceived as a bayonet. "You never sweep the room..." - sounds like an accusation, not an incentive to action. It is better to say: "There is a lot of dust in the room. It is time to sweep the floor."

If you want your child to do a job that is not very pleasant for him, try constructing a phrase like this: "As soon as the room is cleaned, you can watch TV."

Freedom of choice

Each of us has our own passions, tastes, and judgments. And your child, no matter how small he is, is no exception. Do not infringe on his rights, because he is a person. The baby is able to decide for himself what food and clothes to choose and in what sequence to perform the work assigned to him. Ask him whether he will eat a sandwich with cheese or sausage for breakfast. Before sewing or buying a dress for your daughter, discuss the fabric and style with her. When cleaning the apartment, offer your child a choice: to wash the floor or to sweep.

Warning about troubles

Visiting doctors and other unpleasant events for the child will be perceived differently if you talk to her in advance: "I understand that you don't want to, but you have to go."

It often happens like this: You are going to visit your daughter. There, your baby is so carried away by playing with a friend that you can't take him home by any means. Agree with him: "Let's set the clock for such and such a time. When it rings, we will go home."

The right to desire

Your child loudly demands a car in the store. You can react to this out of habit: "That's not enough for you! You have five cars at home!" And take the screaming child out of the store. Or you can not buy the toy, but recognize the child's right to want it: "I understand you, the car is really nice, but today I have no money." And the child will calm down, even without receiving the coveted car.

Refusal of criticism

Criticizing - it turns out, judging, evaluating, branding with shame. Criticism causes resistance in the child. Remember how you yourself reacted to your parents' remarks, and you will understand why your children are "defensive". Your son cannot solve the task? The easiest thing is to make fun of him: "This is an easy task! We figured it all out with you yesterday! How can you not understand this?!" The child's reaction can vary from: "I'm stupid" to "...and I won't do it." But you will help her if you say: "Yes, it's not easy. But I think you can handle it. Think again."

Of course, these tips are not universal. Do not expect that silence and grace will immediately reign in the house. Be prepared for the fact that children may be suspicious of your "new" behavior. But if you manage to prevent a conflict at least once a day, then you are on the right track.

Each child is unique, and it is up to you to decide what methods to use in a particular situation.

Try, search, approach raising a child creatively. The time and effort spent on restoring peace in the family are worth it.


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Brush your teeth! Sit up straight!" We lecture them, criticize them, threaten them: "If you don't take the toys, you won't go outside!" Our behavior is so predictable that children often know what we will tell them, and they don't listen, or rather, "don't hear" us. In fact, we are waging a daily fight with our own daughters and sons, in which there are no winners! Is it possible to improve relationships with children? Is it possible not to get angry, not to quarrel? Of course. You just need to follow only three rules: love them (which we do), respect them (which we do very rarely) and create conditions for cooperation (which we don't know how to do). In other words, you need to listen to your child's thoughts and control your reaction to his behavior. In this The "one word rule" If you want your child to "hear" you, do not express everything you think about his behavior. Use the "one word rule" that would characterize the situation. You may have to repeat it several times, but it is better than shouting and threatening. For example, before going to bed, the baby must put away his toys. If you say: "How many times have I told you that the toys must be taken away! You are so big, and you still can't remember this," the child will stop perceiving what was said after the first phrase. Try to say one word instead of an angry tirade (but not in a commanding tone): "Toys!" It will become a kind of collection password. The results of disobedience Remember how many times during the day you have to tell your son or daughter: "Do math, or you'll get a D", "Go have breakfast, or the food will get cold", "If you don't wash your socks - you'll go to the dirty ones"? Do your instructions work? Isn't it better to give your child several opportunities to see what disobedience leads to and what its consequences are. If Sasha doesn't do math, then tomorrow in class he will really get a D. If Svetlana doesn't come to the table on time - she will eat cold soup. If Katya doesn't wash her socks - she will wear dirty ones in the morning. This important phrase "as soon as" There are a few words that you should try not to use: "if", "why", "you never..." These words "if", as a rule, begin with threats: "If you don't clean your shoes, I will never buy you new ones." The child immediately has a corresponding negative reaction, saying, well, it's not necessary. "Why" is a common beginning of accusation. After the phrase: "Why don't you put things in their place?" - Your baby will most likely start to defend himself, not to pick up. The phrase "you never" is perceived as a bayonet. "You never sweep the room..." - sounds like an accusation, not an incentive to action. It is better to say: "There is a lot of dust in the room. It is time to sweep the floor." If you want your child to do a job that is not very pleasant for him, try constructing a phrase like this: "As soon as the room is cleaned, you can watch TV." Freedom of choice Each of us has our own passions, tastes, and judgments. And your child, no matter how small he is, is no exception. Do not infringe on his rights, because he is a person. The baby is able to decide for himself what food and clothes to choose and in what sequence to perform the work assigned to him. Ask him whether he will eat a sandwich with cheese or sausage for breakfast. Before sewing or buying a dress for your daughter, discuss the fabric and style with her. When cleaning the apartment, offer your child a choice: to wash the floor or to sweep. Warning about troubles Visiting doctors and other unpleasant events for the child will be perceived differently if you talk to her in advance: "I understand that you don't want to, but you have to go." It often happens like this: You are going to visit your daughter. There, your baby is so carried away by playing with a friend that you can't take him home by any means. Agree with him: "Let's set the clock for such and such a time. When it rings, we will go home." The right to desire Your child loudly demands a car in the store. You can react to this out of habit: "That's not enough for you! You have five cars at home!" And take the screaming child out of the store. Or you can not buy the toy, but recognize the child's right to want it: "I understand you, the car is really nice, but today I have no money." And the child will calm down, even without receiving the coveted car. Refusal of criticism Criticizing - it turns out, judging, evaluating, branding with shame. Criticism causes resistance in the child. Remember how you yourself reacted to your parents' remarks, and you will understand why your children are "defensive". Your son cannot solve the task? The easiest thing is to make fun of him: "This is an easy task! We figured it all out with you yesterday! How can you not understand this?!" The child's reaction can vary from: "I'm stupid" to "...and I won't do it." But you will help her if you say: "Yes, it's not easy. But I think you can handle it. Think again." Of course, these tips are not universal. Do not expect that silence and grace will immediately reign in the house. Be prepared for the fact that children may be suspicious of your "new" behavior. But if you manage to prevent a conflict at least once a day, then you are on the right track. Each child is unique, and it is up to you to decide what methods to use in a particular situation. Try, search, approach raising a child creatively. The time and effort spent on restoring peace in the family are worth it.
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