Difficult age
The "difficult age" of teenagers causes a lot of worries for both parents and educators. Just yesterday, an obedient child at 14-15 years old simply fights off the hands, disappears into suspicious companies, seems to smoke and even spins novels! Neither a belt nor heart-to-heart talks help. Meanwhile, the immediate beginning of the changes taking place should be sought at a younger age. Puberty - the transformation of a child into an adult - in modern living conditions begins at 11-13 years old. A little earlier for girls, a little later for boys. It is at this age that the production of sex hormones increases sharply, which are designed to ensure the continuation of the family, and therefore rebuild both the body and the soul, creating, as it were, a tool for reproduction and the skills to use this tool.
Physical changes are more noticeable and well-known: the figure of a boy becomes more muscular, in a girl - more rounded, hair appears on the face of boys, in both armpits and on the pubis, in girls menstruation begins, in boys the genitals increase, and the skin on them becomes thinner and darker, pollutions begin (involuntary nocturnal ejaculations). Not so noticeable, but no less important are psychological changes that go through certain stages, forming both the most important aspects of character, and views on life (including family), and sexuality.
At the beginning of the period of puberty, platonic libido is formed - one of the components of sexual desire. The child falls in love with everyone and no one, fantasizes about heroic or romantic themes, often feels unhappy at the slightest disagreement with parents or friends.
Girls, as a rule, fall in love for the first time about a year before the onset of menstruation - with actors, heroes, a physical education teacher or an excellent student in the class - the choice is completely unpredictable. A boy's first love is not so strictly tied to age, but by the age of 13, at least by chance, the vast majority of boys have fallen in love. Outwardly, platonic experiences are often manifested in collecting portraits of the "hero" or objects belonging to him. If the object of love is attainable, senseless, sudden antics are performed in order to attract attention. Love notes and tender letters can be very naive and, at the same time, overly frank, simply due to a lack of understanding of the rules of adult decency. By the way, most of these works are not sent to anyone, are destroyed, or are accumulated in a secluded place.
However, platonic love - vague, indistinct, amorphous - is quickly replaced by the next stage, the stage of the formation of erotic attraction. Erotic attraction, as a desire for romantic, sincere contact, bodily intimacy, touch, but not physical possession, differs from sexual need, as, for example, reading an adventure novel from personal participation in hostilities. The desire to be closer to the chosen one, to catch his gaze, to dream of beautiful and romantic events is gradually replaced by a desire for touch, spending time together.
In this period, despite the powerful emotional tension that accompanies the first steps into the world of close relationships, there is still no sexual overtone, as a desire for sexual intimacy. On the contrary, often even a hint of close communication of naked bodies with the participation of genitals is able to destroy the country of romantic dreams of a teenager, to make his views cynical.
For teenagers of both sexes between the ages of 13 and 16, constantly changing crushes is the norm. At this time, the manner of behavior, taste for certain members of the opposite sex, the ability to get acquainted, and maintain relationships are "activated".
Scientists have calculated that on average, one youthful love affair lasts 12-14 days. But in this short period of time, a lot of events fit: a teenager chooses who to fall in love with, looks for attractive features in the chosen one, finds ways to get to know and get closer, maintains relationships, demonstrating their positive qualities, and finally, experiences the end of relationships. After all, this is a whole life. And it is very good that this happens - a person in easy conditions gains experience that he will need when everything becomes very serious.
Attempts by some parents to stop the "romances" of their teenage child ("let him study better") can harm him, turn him into a misogynist in the future or, conversely, a person who does not understand relationships simply because he has not learned to understand people. So do not deprive a teenager of the joys of communicating with peers, otherwise an unsociable, gloomy, infantile person may grow out of a loner. Parents and teachers should only guide and restrain the actions of a teenager so that they do not go beyond social boundaries.
Unfortunately, this task is often quite complicated by the psychological alienation of the younger generation. This process is natural. The first blow to the authority of parents is received when the child goes to school: his horizons expand significantly and the opinion of the teacher, and even a classmate, most often acquires greater weight than the parental one. If the parents' attitude towards new authorities is not too jealous, then the influence of the family, school, friends is mutually balanced, and in the consciousness of the child, and then the teenager, everything finds its own, legitimate place.
However, at the age of 11 - 15, a second acute period for the relationship between parents and children begins. Awareness of oneself not only as a member of the family, but also as an independent individual, turns the teenager to a new, careful study of the world around him, finding a place in it for himself, his family, and his peers. On the one hand, this leads to a certain detachment of the teenager from the family. He gets out of the control that he has been accustomed to since childhood, becomes more independent, and due to the small social experience of communication - defiant, hot-tempered, explosive. Again, the authority of the company in which the teenager can spend all his free time comes to the fore.
Since companies are formed spontaneously, based on interests, everyone in them feels comfortable, convenient, easily understands each other, adopts the habits and lifestyle, especially the leaders. The authority of the company can be undeniable, since it is often a romanticized contrast to the boring parental life.
Fashionable passions in clothes, hairstyle, cosmetics, manner of behavior - only the external side of very important psychological processes that occur during new communication. The main thing is that the teenager learns to look for his place in society, whatever it may be. He occupies a certain position in the company, perhaps fights for a higher status, supports the social norms of behavior of this particular company, protects it from outside encroachments - from other companies, the police or parents. All this imitates the behavior of an adult in society to a sufficient extent, and the teenager learns all this.
Of course, if the company consists of "positive" guys, if their behavior does not go beyond acceptable limits, then the parents are much easier to put up with the teenager's departure from the family than if the company has a "skunky smell". But often children from well-off families join a "bad" company and feel quite comfortable in it. It is quite possible that the very spirit of the parental family causes them to protest.
After all, along with alienation and separation from parents, the teenager looks more intensely at the order that prevails in the family. The relations between parents, between parents and children, between parents and grandparents, relations with the environment and personal qualities of each family member are subjected to conscious and unconscious analysis. This analysis is merciless and, often, unfair; it is able to build a negative image of a family member from the slightest flaw or even an accidental mistake. Since teenagers feel a certain discrimination against themselves by society (I am already an adult, but no one admits this), manifestations of double morality are of particular interest to them. The "correct" father at work beats his wife at home; the strict mother brings something from work and does not consider it theft; guests who were seen off with smiles are discussed by the parents at the next discussion.
Such duality of relations, which adults, as a rule, perceive naturally, from the point of view of youthful maximalism can take the form of a world cataclysm, in which not only the authority of the parents, but also the moral foundations of the teenager himself are destroyed. Of course, changing the system of family contacts only in order to "please" the growing offspring would be strange, and even impossible. But adults must understand that the child's world is only a reflection of their own world, even if in a crooked mirror.
Thus, at the age of 11 - 14 years, two interdependent processes take place in the teenager's mind - on the one hand, alienation from parents, going out into the light, expanding the horizons of life, and on the other hand - a more careful look into the inner world of the family, in the image and likeness of which, most likely, their own will be built.
In combination with the purely biological problems of puberty, these psychological experiences create an explosive mixture that is difficult for both parents and adolescents to cope with. In adolescence, it is no longer possible to establish trusting relationships if, since childhood, the child's requests have been suppressed, rigidly directed by parents, if the child does not trust those who wish him well (even if these concepts do not coincide in older and younger people). Therefore, the best way to avoid problems of alienation is to be worthy of the teenager's trust, to be his support in life, and not just a domineering guiding hand.